![]() ![]() "Look, I don't know what Steve Spurrier has ever done, but I'm pretty confident we could get a Tallahassee jury to convict him of serial murder. Then, bang, she runs up, forces the crab legs into his pants and then puts a gun to his back and makes him walk outside. Just waiting for him to go to Publix and be near the crab legs. I think the alleged rape victim's lawyer has been following Jameis around for months. Why wouldn't he climb over the Publix counter and erase another one? A big part of our investigative policy is this, 'When in doubt, charge the worst player.'" "Look, he already erased one video for Jameis. And by 'even-handed way to investigate,' I mean, not charge the players and scare the actual victims." We find this is a more even-handed way to investigate. "Oftentimes it's the policy of the Tallahassee police department to actually treat the victim as if she's the criminal. Where was Jacob Coker when these crab legs disappeared? Does he have an alibi? Tuscaloosa? Yeah, right. "Once you leave Florida State to play somewhere else, you can better believe we've got our eyes on you, son. "Have y'all considered the fact that some Florida Gator fans work in Publix? Pretty convenient, don't you think. We believe it's highly probable that someone forced the crabs into Jameis's pants and then forced him to walk outside with crabs in his pants. Bit suspicious if you ask me." Coughs, "Cleat," cough, "chasers." "All I'm saying is this, these crab legs spent an awful lot of time hanging around with the athletes. Here's our suspect list along with the lead detective's rationale for why we think they may be to blame: So, anyway, as you can see, we're working this case diligently. You know, this is a football town, who you gonna believe, a crab leg that can't talk, or a star football player. You think this is our first football investigation? Plus, when we asked the crab legs if they wanted to press charges, they were totally uncooperative, just silent. Sure, we could go look at the grocery store video to see whether or not the crabs were stolen, but everybody knows that if you wait long enough evidence gets destroyed. ![]()
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |